Blogstream is dying. It started when Donuts left us unannounced way back in whenever it was. She was the stone that started the ripple of people leaving.

More people left after her. Names I no longer remember. People I've forgotten. Some of them I even liked. Hell, I was one of them for a while. The Macey vs. the World chatroom war didn't help anything either.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: Blogstream doesn't do it for me anymore. That LOVE that used to exist here among fellow bloggers doesn't live here anymore. That said, I have one more thing to say. I'm out. Again. I'm not going to deactivate this time because I may have something to say that I think you all need to read. If that happens, I'll post something. Maybe you'll see it, maybe you won't. I'll still be checking out my favorite peeps, so I won't really be leaving you. I'm just taking a much needed hiatus. Hopefully some new blood will find us and renew that spirit that once existed. Until then.....

GOD, protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle.

Blaque

I never really thought about what that phrase meant until recently. By failing to have a plan for my daughter, I have to send her back to her mom. In more recent news (today), I had no plan for a baby-sitter. During my day I get a call from my daughter and had to lose time at work trying to find someone to get her. I'm famous for saying, 'bad planning on your part on my part an emergency does not make.' It felt really refreshing to have that shit thrown in my face (by me).

I've learned in the past two months that it's hard as hell to be a parent. Especially a responsible one. Thank GOD I have an incredible support system. If it wasn't for the people around me loving me and mine, shit would be a lot harder.

I know what I have to do. I have to once again man-up and get my shit right. Even though my health may have to take a backseat to other things, I've got a lot to do, and I can't get it done by sitting on my ass and waiting for the state to help me. If I spent half the energy it takes to appear damned-near indigent to get state assistance and got an actual job, I can get insurance and all that shit. I may not be able to do some of the shit I used to do, but I'm far from helpless. Hell, all the shit you have to do to keep the benefits the state does give you is harder than any job I've ever held!

I'm not saying I'm going to get on this today, or even tomorrow. I recognize what I have to do, and I'm going to do it. For me.

GOD, protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle.

Blaque

I lost my job on Friday. I lost my daughter on Sunday. I must have been there for at least one of these things happening, but I'm not exactly sure HOW they happened.

The job thing I have to admit was coming. The summer season is brutal on car audio. Summer is when people show off what they paid for in the winter months. At first we were doing pretty well and it looked like things were going to be okay, especially since one of our techs went to prison for a year. Even with that, there was no money coming in. My boss had no other choice but to let me go. Here it is 4 days later and I'm back on the job, but it was a rough 4 days. A substantial pay cut was taken. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged. We mutually agreed that we'd both had enough of that emotional shit, and all was back to normal. Sort of. I have to make a concerted effort to stay awake. He has to stop trying to dance.

The daughter thing is a little harder to explain. I've been trying to get my daughter for years. 9 of them. This is the closest I've come to actually achieving it. All would have been well had I known I was going to and actually planned to get my daughter. My living situation really sucks at the moment. Not to mention the part time drug dealing that always seems to get in the way right when I need it not to.

Begrudgingly, I'm sending her back to her mother. Now that she has my number, she can call her daddy as much as she wants. Hell, that's what the free incoming on my plan is for!

I've got more to say, but time is limited. I'll hit you again when I can. Be well.

GOD, protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle.

Blaque

I'm a drug dealer. While I don't wish to glamorize anything about it, I have to admit it so you all know where I'm coming from. It's changed my views about things in ways that even disturb me. Instead of trying to understand it, I just rationalize it away by saying, "It is what it is. They're going to get it from someone, I'd rather it be me."

In my twenties I sold marijuana. I had just gotten out of prison (for non drug related offenses) and was still with that prison mentality that no one would hire me. My 'brother' happened to be selling marijuana and asked me if I wanted to get down. After seeing the money he was making it seemed like a no brainer to me. Get down I did, and I was fairly good at it. I didn't do as well as he did, but I wasn't expected to. I made enough money for the people in my 'circle' to think I was the man. That was all I needed; or so I thought.

Eventually you grow up. I dabbled in other things, but I kept coming back to the weed. It was safe. I was comfortable. Sure, I tried to get jobs here and there, but all a job seemed to be was work. I didn't like to work. I didn't seem to have a penchant for it. Hell, I avoided it if at all possible. When I did work, I had good jobs. Jobs I wish I could get back now. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I could see then what I see now.

I'm going to skip the particulars of what I did back then. Not that I'm ashamed of any it. Hell, it made me what I am today. I realize that some of you may not want to associate with me anymore after reading this, but if that's the case, you were never my friends anyway. You see how short my blogs I like list is. That's no accident. The two people on it are the realest people I've never met! If they still got my back, I don't need the rest of you anyway. I do read more than those two blogs, I just don't advertise that fact.

Back on track....

I'm working now. It's not much, but I like what I do, and look forward to going to work everyday. I still sell drugs. I don't want to, but in my circumstances I don't know how to do anything else to make the money I need. I'll stop one day soon. Why? I don't like doing it. I'm only a part-time scum bag. I don't floss with new clothes and cars like the big dawgs do. That's never been my thing. I've got bills to pay. I've got children to feed. I've got goals to meet. I can't do any of that if I'm locked up or on the run.

That's all the time I have at this moment. I'll continue this for whomever wishes to keep reading it. Until then I leave you with my usual closing:

GOD, protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle.

Blaque

I've been misleading you all for some time now. My deception was so complete, I didn't even know I was doing it! As you may have realized, I haven't been blogging for a little while now. My reason has been the same the whole time. I didn't think I had anything to say. I've come to realize that it's quite the opposite. I have too much to say. So much in fact that I don't know where to start.

I discontinued my Wilson Fisk blogs because I began to think that he was getting bigger than I could control. My 0nline ego was beginning to take over. When I started this blog, I had a lot of shit going on in my life (as I always do) but it seemed to be on pause because I wanted to write about it. Weird. I guess what I really need is a quiet place where I can 'hear' all my thoughts so I can put them down. At this moment, I have that place. I don't know when you'll hear from me again, but while I have the time, I'm going to spend it.