As you can tell by the title, I feel sexy today. Not only do I feel sexy, I feel HELLA SEXY. I don't know why, but I do. Let me give you an example.



This is how I usually feel.



This is how I feel today!

Women, feel free to bow down at the alter that is my body! Rub your hands on my rock hard abs. Try to contain yourself as you feel upon my biceps. Treat me like a piece of meat!

Now the next time you find yourself in bed with your man and things are going the way they always are, think of me. Imagine me carrying you from the bed, to the kitchen table, to the stairs, to the sofa, and then to the floor while we make love. Imagine me bringing you to your peak over and over and over again. Keep it right there! And right when you think it can't get any better, it does. But I'm not going to tell you how. If you want to find out, HOLLA at your boy!

I'm just serious!

Here's a new one. Someone put me on blast on my own blog. Usually this kind of behavior would lead to me acting a fool and all types of other shit. Unfortunately, I can't get down like that this time. Why? The person putting me on blast is my mom! Dayum!

I've always said that arguing over the internet is just like being in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded! That hasn't stopped me from engaging in these internet gangster battles, but hey, I'm human too.

My problem is this. My mom misunderstood what I wrote. That's not entirely her fault. I write my posts while I'm at work. I don't have the time to write EVERYTHING I want to about a given topic. And if I'm interrupted while I'm posting my original thought can get even further from what ends up on the page. With that said, I bring you today's rants and raves about MOM.

Smell that? That's my mom. She's the shit!

When I put that the state took me from my mom because they thought she couldn't control me, that's what I meant. THEY thought it. I know from personal experience (obviously) that she could.

When I speak about her beating the shit out of me, I meant it. But I look back on those beatings and laugh my ass off. I deserved those beatings! Fully! I was a fuck up! Not at home. But anywhere else, if I could show my ass, I did.

I got more ass whoopins for GOING to school than I did for anything else! My mom used to hate being called away from her UPS job to come take me out of school. Hence, an ass whoopin'! I understood it. I accepted it. It would have been easier for me to just ask my mom for the whoopin' before I left for school. Once I got it everything was right with my world.

I remember once my mom came home and just randomly beat me. I was confused! I didn't recall doing anything to warrant it. Her heart wasn't in it because it didn't hurt and it was over quick. After we were done she said "that's just in case you do something that I don't know about." Random acts of violence never hurt anyone! (except Reginald Denny)

Enough about that.

The other thing that I have to explain is the issue of my daughter. When my niece was born she was born into our home. Whatever she needed, she got. That's the way it was with all of us. When she was old enough to travel my mom would take her all across America in her truck. (Shut up Jason!) When my daughter was born I assumed that things would go the same way for her. They didn't. Not because they couldn't, but because her mother moved her to North Carolina and didn't always leave us a way to contact her. Not our fault, but a part of me just wanted her to have opportunity everyone else did. Monique got because she was there. Jasmine didn't get because she wasn't. End of discussion.

There may be holes in some of the things I write about. Some things my brain has intentionally covered up and blanked out. That's why I write, to reveal these holes and deal with my issues. I choose to do it a public forum because I appreciate the feedback I get. I write what I feel. I write what I want. It's therapy for me. I would never intend to hurt anyone's feelings. Unless I specifically say that that's what I'm about to do.

I was going to delete the comment left by cthru, but I won't. That's what they felt. It would have been better received as a post rather than a comment, but hey, FREE WORLD NIGGA!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: I love my mom. The last thing I need is her and some other single mom from Taunton on my ass at the same time.

Mom you did your best at raising me, no matter how much I fucked up. My fucking up was considerable. So much so that there may not be enough room on the internet to apologize adequately. Even so, I'm trying. This medium isn't perfect, so take what you read with a grain of salt. More often than not I'd be trying to big you up, not beat you down. I wrote that mom post with laughter in my heart. I wasn't out to hurt you. I have a reputation for not caring how the average person takes what I write, but you're far from average. You're my mom! It takes a hell of a woman to create the man that is me. Anyone who knows me wouldn't hesitate to give you your props. Hell, you can only work with what you got. You did the best with what you had. And I thank you.

I almost got locked up today. I was as scared as shit! I went to child support court today. I wasn't expecting much. At most, I thought I would hear that I owed so much to this one, so much to that one, and be on my way. Cool. That is not how it went down.

I should have known something wasn't right. The man that called my name was an asshole! No sooner did he call me, he gets into a verbal altercation with someone. I guess the guy was upset because he was yelling at the support enforcement guy in Spanish. This really seemed to piss the guy off. He asked him, 'why are you talking to me in Spanish?' The dude says, 'because I'm pissed off!' Then out of nowhere, the guy says 'don't speak to me in Spanish, this is America!'

Get the fuck out of here! Do I really have to be in the same room with this asshole?

Oh well, after some paperwork and some other shit, I finally get to sit in the court. Would you believe my ass fell asleep? After not falling asleep during the day in like a week, Sleep Apnea decides to creep up on my ass now! I guess I was snoring and the whole shit. The sheriff came over to me and had me remove myself from the court. I sat outside for the whole morning session. Shit!

After lunch shit wasn't looking any better. I walked into the courtroom and was told to leave. What the fuck? I didn't even fall asleep this time. You can't kick me out in advance! Not at all, my case was moved to another courtroom. There were noticably less people in here. Random dude X told me that this was the room that you don't want to be in. This is where the people going to jail get sentenced. Shit!

Sure enough, there was a capeas for my arrest. It was dated from 2000! Are you kidding me? To my surprise, they vacated the capeas. Hurrah, I'm not going to jail. NOT! The magistrate looked at my case and says, ' you do know you're facing incarceration...?' SHIT! He appoints me a lawyer, and passes my case so I can talk to him. Finally a chance to say my piece. NOT! The attorney took what info he needed and went back into the courtroom. It would appear that the bus to jail was ready to go and I was holding it up. Okay, not really, but that's how it felt.

To make a long story shorter, I'm still here by the grace of GOD. I've got lots of paperwork to do. Lots. That's if I want to stay out of prison. I DO! Fuck! Holla at your boy!

Yup, that would be today. Today brings to mind a whole bunch of things. Phone calls I have to make. Things I have to say while on the phone. Things I CAN'T say while on the phone. And that's just the beginning.

I did have two alarming phone calls today. One of them gave me motivation to move. One of them scared the hell out of me. I'll discuss the scary one.

My brother Mike may be having his second baby today! What an asshole! I hate him for having a baby with this woman. Sure he's married to her, and they've been trying for a number of years, but that don't change how I feel. His son is 16. He's looking at the front door! No more child support in two years! And now he's strapped down for another 18. Better him than me! I just hope I get to see the baby.

The other phone call was a bit more interesting. Someone I respect the hell out of told me that I've got a week to get out of the house I'm curently living in. A lot of other people have told me the same thing (without the time constraint) and it's done nothing to me. There was something in how it was said this time that made me WANT to listen. Part of it may be totally selfish, but fuck it, if that's what works I'm all for it.

Today is also the eve of my child support court appointment. That sucks! I'm deathly afraid of going to jail. I honestly don't know what I would do if I get locked up. Obviously I would have to go, but my brain may self destruct trying to deal with it.

My friend Jason knows too much. He may have to be dealt with. The knowledge he contains could disrupt quite a few lives in my social circle. More on this later.

Oh shit, I just read this shit. I see how my words can get misconstrued now. I don't really hate him, or her. He's the first one of us to have a baby. Therefore he should be the first of us to know what having freedom would be like. Now he's back in the cycle of children and not seeing your homies and all that shit. Now we'll never know what that's like. We'll probably fuck up just like he did and make more babies. Hey wait! I got a vasectomy! I still hate him!

And for those of you that ay read about JASON knowing too much, I don't mean just about me. We all vent to him. He can bring down any one of us if he was that type. We may have to take him out. Violently! I've got dibs on his Escalade and the hydro car too. Take that bitches!

Highland Heights, Mt. St. John, The Salvation Army Emergency Shelter, YMCA, Hartford Detention, M.Y.I., Prison.... These are all good places to put someone when you want to forget about them. Other than that, what do they all have in common? Me.

I've been to all of these places. Not by choice. At first they were supposed to be good places. They were places that were supposed to be interested in helping you. For a while you actually believe that. After being in a couple of them, you realize that helping you is the last thing they have in mind. Most of them are just a lay-over until you get to your final destination. In my case, Prison.

The fucked up part was, at first I wasn't a bad kid. I was misunderstood. I was intelligent. Too intelligent. Unfortunately, there was no one around to recognize that. During school I would put my head down and rest, sleep, or just keep quiet. It's not that I wasn't interested in what was going on, it's just that I had already done what they were doing and was bored by it. How? My sister was a couple grades ahead of me in school and I used to do her work with her. Not that I wanted to, but she thought it was fun to play school and teach me shit. Now here I am sleeping my life away in class, waking up to take and ultimately pass whatever test we were taking. Strange but true.

That being neither here nor there, when I went to these residentials they looked at me as another problem. You're not looked at as an individual. You're part of a problem. Instead of bringing you up, spiritually, mentally, or otherwise, you're constantly being broken down and degraded. It takes a strong spirit to handle that. Most children don't have the mental capacity to handle that sort of thing. I feel blessed that for whatever reason it was, I did.

You would think that I would resent being placed in such a place, but I don't. I met and still know people that were or are affiliated with these places. I don't hold a grudge for some of the things that were done to me. The experiences that I had are what made me who I am today. I don't even know if I know who that is. But I'm comfortable with whoever it is.

Oh well, I've got more to say, but I'm on the boss' dime so I've got to go. I'll probably never get on this train of thought for a while, but I'll try to keep it interesting.

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