Fuck it, for all of you that have (or haven't) been wondering, I have a small penis! There, it's out! I have a teenie weenie, an angry inch, a half-shaft, a wee willie winkie. It's like a penis, but smaller. Oh yeah, and I'm fat, so I haven't even seen it in a while!

Fuck you. It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean. I know, I know, that's what all the guys with small dicks say... Kiss my ass! It might be small, but it's not broken! I'll work what you've got with what I've got! Believe that shit!

You see, it's like this... Big men like myself (with small penises) , have a few things working against us right out the gate. Not only is it harder for us to get women to sleep with us (you know I wanted to say fuck), once we do get you in the bed, it's physically harder to do the damned thing. Hell, I apologize, I'm not one of those skinny muscular guys that's going to toss you around and be picking you up having sex against the wall and all that type of shit. If that's what your looking for, go the fuck on and keep looking for that shit! For real though! But if you want to get sexed down crazy by a man that's going to treat you like the goddess you are, this is where you want to be! Let me tell you why.

Fat mother-fuckers don't know when we're going to get the opportunity to do what we're doing again. We know we've only got one good chance at this shit and we better make good on it. So we do! You roll the dice with a skinny man, a big mother-fucker is a sure thing! Get your shovel and dig this:

Because we know that most women aren't attracted to our particular body type, it's either dumb luck, good game, a lost bet, or quite a few strong drinks that got your ass where you are now. Quite possibly a combination of these things. We don't care how you got here, it's on!

A big man is going to be gentler with you than the average man. Not because we care, because we have to. How fucked up would it be if in a moment of clumsiness we dropped all of our weight on you and crushed, hurt, or killed you? That would be a waste of pussy! You don't do that!

A big man is going to caress you all over your body. We're going to hit those places he misses, or missed. Not because we think you'll enjoy it, because we still aren't sure if this shit is real and we want to touch as much of you as we can to make sure!

I don't want to be crass and talk about eating pussy, but do you think we got this big by not knowing how to eat? Think about it. You better be careful messing with a fat man. He might eat the WHOLE pussy and just leave the box! Personally, if you haven't gotten at least 2 nuts, are begging me to stop, crawling up the bed taking all the damned sheets with you, I've got more eating to do. That's right dammit, you're not done until I say you're done! HOLLA!

And that's just foreplay! When it comes time to do the damned thing for real, watch your ass! Why? I'm glad you asked. IF you haven't had 300 pounds of man thrusting up against you for about a half hour, you haven't had sex yet! Trying to contain a fat man that hasn't had any in a while is like plugging a dike with a piece of bubble gum. Trying to hold all that back just isn't possible! It gets worse...

Because of the small penis thing, you can only imagine the position you'll have to be in for all these things to happen. I like the pretzel. That's where you take the woman's legs and fold them in half and then cross them over each other. Once you've done that, pull the woman to the end of the bed. Pick up your belly (I know that sounds gross ) and put it on top of her. This is the lock. Trust me on this. When you thrust it up, the belly holds it down, effectively keeping the girl in one place. Now you go to town and punish that ass!

Since fat guys don't get it as much you'd think we would be two pump chumps. Not the case. We've got mind control over that shit! Think of every girl that you wanted to sex and couldn't. I don't care who it is. It could be Janet Jackson, your next door neighbor, that sexy assed cousin you only saw once every few years (fuck it, I'm just being honest), whoever... Think of them and then beat that pussy up. Fuck her like you don't even know her name and you're never going to see her again. Fuck her like it's the last piece of pussy you're ever going to get. Hell, you're a fat mother-fucker, it could be!

IF you do all this right, I guarantee you you're going to get more pussy thrown at you than you can stand. Why? Do I have to tell your ass everything? Women talk! She might not say anything for a day or two, but she will talk. And when she does, be prepared for your phone to start ringing off the fucking hook! Here's how it works. She's going to tell her friends about this AMAZING sex she had. Her friend, being the nosey bitch she is, is going to pry her for more and more information until she finally learns who waxed that ass. All kinds of promises and pinkie swears are going to be broken about her not telling anyone who did it. These girls are going to look at you, and of course they're not going to believe your fat ass did what their girl said you did. But just in case, they're going to try to find out for themselves. And that's when you've got them!

So if you ever see a real fat bastard rollin' with a sexy young slimmy, now you know! We fuck on the first date, we keep our mouth shut, and nothing's nasty to a fat man. You want your salad tossed? We've got the dressing! You afraid to get naked in front of skinny man because you've got stretch marks? We don't care! A stretch mark only indicates that you were once big and got small, or were once small and got big. These are things fat mother-fuckers have intimate knowledge about. Think I'm going to throw you out of bed for a stretch mark? I'll be damned!

Next time you get a chance, holla at a big man. You just might like it! If you don't, then your dumb ass should have picked ME! I wrote the fucking post! DUH!

The more I go through in life, the more I think everyone is an asshole. Everyone but me.

My boss can be an asshole. He's not really bad, he just has a bad habit of buying cars. Not regular cars, cars with hydraulics, cars with way too many speakers in them, fast cars... I hate his ass! I guess I wouldn't hate him as much if he would GIVE me one of them, but he won't. I've asked. He would rather give one to his wife to keep his marriage happy. What kind of asshole does that?

My brother is a card-carrying asshole! I swear he took classes for this shit! On a scale of 1 to 100, he is so far off the scale it's ridiculous! He does shit just to piss people off. And the scary part is that his assholeness comes out of nowhere. You generally get blindsided by the shit. You totally expect it, you just don't know when it's coming. I hate his ass too!

My girlfriend is an asshole to the extreme! I'm talking asshole to the tenth power! I can't prove it, but I think she has a super hero suit with a cape with a big asshole on it that she wears while being an asshole. In her defense, she's only an asshole while she's at work. She talks mad shit to me and my aforementioned asshole boss. I'm waiting for her to say something fucked up to a customer so I can fire her ass!

My friend Kendal is an accidental asshole. I think. The mouth cocky that spews from his lips is crazy! Granted, he's elevated off of the THC contained in his 'medicine' most times, but hey, it is what it is. The funny part about him is that he doesn't even care if he's an asshole or not. He does his own thing.

The crazy shit is, if you asked these people individually, they would probably say that I'm an asshole. Not too... that would be accepting or admitting to the fact that YES, they are assholes. They would just try to put that whole shit on me. But that has to be expected. After all, they're assholes!

After further investigation one could conclude that the only thing these people have in common is me. Could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, I AM the asshole? Nah! Fuck that! That would make you an asshole too!

I used to think I had really big balls. Some of you may remember me posting a picture of them here last year. I still think I have big balls, but nowhere near as big as this dude! DAD?



Dayum!

As you can tell by the title, I feel sexy today. Not only do I feel sexy, I feel HELLA SEXY. I don't know why, but I do. Let me give you an example.



This is how I usually feel.



This is how I feel today!

Women, feel free to bow down at the alter that is my body! Rub your hands on my rock hard abs. Try to contain yourself as you feel upon my biceps. Treat me like a piece of meat!

Now the next time you find yourself in bed with your man and things are going the way they always are, think of me. Imagine me carrying you from the bed, to the kitchen table, to the stairs, to the sofa, and then to the floor while we make love. Imagine me bringing you to your peak over and over and over again. Keep it right there! And right when you think it can't get any better, it does. But I'm not going to tell you how. If you want to find out, HOLLA at your boy!

I'm just serious!

Here's a new one. Someone put me on blast on my own blog. Usually this kind of behavior would lead to me acting a fool and all types of other shit. Unfortunately, I can't get down like that this time. Why? The person putting me on blast is my mom! Dayum!

I've always said that arguing over the internet is just like being in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded! That hasn't stopped me from engaging in these internet gangster battles, but hey, I'm human too.

My problem is this. My mom misunderstood what I wrote. That's not entirely her fault. I write my posts while I'm at work. I don't have the time to write EVERYTHING I want to about a given topic. And if I'm interrupted while I'm posting my original thought can get even further from what ends up on the page. With that said, I bring you today's rants and raves about MOM.

Smell that? That's my mom. She's the shit!

When I put that the state took me from my mom because they thought she couldn't control me, that's what I meant. THEY thought it. I know from personal experience (obviously) that she could.

When I speak about her beating the shit out of me, I meant it. But I look back on those beatings and laugh my ass off. I deserved those beatings! Fully! I was a fuck up! Not at home. But anywhere else, if I could show my ass, I did.

I got more ass whoopins for GOING to school than I did for anything else! My mom used to hate being called away from her UPS job to come take me out of school. Hence, an ass whoopin'! I understood it. I accepted it. It would have been easier for me to just ask my mom for the whoopin' before I left for school. Once I got it everything was right with my world.

I remember once my mom came home and just randomly beat me. I was confused! I didn't recall doing anything to warrant it. Her heart wasn't in it because it didn't hurt and it was over quick. After we were done she said "that's just in case you do something that I don't know about." Random acts of violence never hurt anyone! (except Reginald Denny)

Enough about that.

The other thing that I have to explain is the issue of my daughter. When my niece was born she was born into our home. Whatever she needed, she got. That's the way it was with all of us. When she was old enough to travel my mom would take her all across America in her truck. (Shut up Jason!) When my daughter was born I assumed that things would go the same way for her. They didn't. Not because they couldn't, but because her mother moved her to North Carolina and didn't always leave us a way to contact her. Not our fault, but a part of me just wanted her to have opportunity everyone else did. Monique got because she was there. Jasmine didn't get because she wasn't. End of discussion.

There may be holes in some of the things I write about. Some things my brain has intentionally covered up and blanked out. That's why I write, to reveal these holes and deal with my issues. I choose to do it a public forum because I appreciate the feedback I get. I write what I feel. I write what I want. It's therapy for me. I would never intend to hurt anyone's feelings. Unless I specifically say that that's what I'm about to do.

I was going to delete the comment left by cthru, but I won't. That's what they felt. It would have been better received as a post rather than a comment, but hey, FREE WORLD NIGGA!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: I love my mom. The last thing I need is her and some other single mom from Taunton on my ass at the same time.

Mom you did your best at raising me, no matter how much I fucked up. My fucking up was considerable. So much so that there may not be enough room on the internet to apologize adequately. Even so, I'm trying. This medium isn't perfect, so take what you read with a grain of salt. More often than not I'd be trying to big you up, not beat you down. I wrote that mom post with laughter in my heart. I wasn't out to hurt you. I have a reputation for not caring how the average person takes what I write, but you're far from average. You're my mom! It takes a hell of a woman to create the man that is me. Anyone who knows me wouldn't hesitate to give you your props. Hell, you can only work with what you got. You did the best with what you had. And I thank you.